Thank You, Kelly

There are about 8 billion subjects rolling around in my head that I’d like to expound on in tonight’s post.  But I fear I won’t have any readers if I don’t limit it to just a couple.  So in an attempt to keep it short (OK, not exactly short, but not as long as it could be), I’m going to tackle the following thoughts (I will hopefully actually keep it limited here, but I am known to ramble, so apologize in advance):

1. Losing my voice teacher
2. My recent performance

Starting with #1:  Kelly Ash (look her up—she’s truly talented!), my voice teacher, has just moved to NYC to pursue her masters in vocal performance at…drum roll, please…NYU!  This is really an amazing accomplishment, if you haven’t already guessed.  NYU’s program is quite competitive, and not surprisingly to me at all, Kelly got in.  Go Kelly!  She deserves every bit of goodness coming to her, and I’m thrilled for her new opportunities.

Of course, this means I have lost my voice teacher.  I think if you’ve worked with someone over a long period of time, you might understand what this loss means.  Even if you haven’t, you can probably guess at what it means.  That said, I never thought I’d miss her as much as I do.  After all, I’m 35, and she’s only 23 (just turned 23, at that).  I might be a “young” 35 (hopefully not too young!), but she is definitely a “wise” 23.  I think partially based on my limited view of this age difference, when I first started with Kelly a year and 8 months ago, I honestly wasn’t sure if I’d be able to build the rapport I desire in a teacher.  I’d had a great rapport with my former voice teacher back in Boston (way back, like 2002!), and just didn’t think I’d find anyone that could live up to my expectations.  And I was wrong.  I was most definitely wrong.

Now, Kelly and I have never hung out.  We’ve never done things socially, or met each other’s friends, etc.  But even so, she knows where my songs come from.  She knows the personal nature of all of them.  Really, ALL of them, because I didn’t start writing until I started working with her.  And I know pieces of her personal life, as well.  She’s played me songs that weren’t quite finished, and still raw.  These things make an impact.  So when I was driving my little goodbye gift over to her apartment the day before she left, I found myself getting rather emotional.  It didn’t help that I was listening to The Head and The Heart, and was right in the middle of songs about saying goodbye, losing friends, etc.  Totally unintentional, I swear!  (Though I bought  her a copy, because I’m pretty sure she’ll love it, too.)  But I just considered how for a year and a half, I’d spent one hour a week with this person, and it was a very safe place for me.  A safe place that also happened to nurture my creativity.  Other than with my previous voice teacher, this is the only other time I’ve experienced that kind of combination.  And since I was writing, this student-teacher relationship actually made a deeper impact on me creatively.

This leads me to thought #2.  My recent performance.  As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, Kelly has pushed me to do some performances, or recitals, if you will, in the time I’ve been working with her.  She also taught a vocal workshop, with Mikaela Romero, to a handful of students (including my sister and me), and had us all perform in a showcase in June.  That’s when I lost my voice, and it didn’t go well AT ALL.  However, they were presenting another showcase in late July, and Kelly asked me to do a full set at the end of it.  The idea being that I could present many of the songs I’ve written over the year, which might not happen again for a while since she’s leaving.  And I’d get to work with a band.  A BAND!  Do you have any idea how much fun it is to work with a band?  Oh my, it’s so great!  I’ll save more on that for another post, however…

In the end, I did 11 songs, most with full band back-up, and a couple with partial band or a single instrument.  It was a ton of fun, and though I was all sorts of pitchy (left over lost voice remnants), I’m so grateful for the opportunity to collaborate with professional musicians in a jazz club-type venue (Lucid Jazz Lounge, as I’ve also mentioned in previous posts).  I didn’t do all of my songs, and I tried to choose ones with differing styles and subject matters.  I have a lot to work on with timing, stage presence, and more, but I’m still pretty thrilled that I have enough of a body of work that I could offer 11 original songs to an audience.  And I’m also really thrilled that though the audience wasn’t all there to see me, they actually stuck around for the whole thing.  What an uplifting and supportive atmosphere!

I’ve chosen two songs to embed here (taken on iphone video, so sound and picture aren’t great).  The first I call “What It Was,” and it’s a little bit jazzy.  I’m not really a jazz musician, but I wrote the first two verses in the car after going to one of Kelly’s shows (who is a jazz musician).  A happy example of being inspired by others’ art!  The second song is really taken from my experience as a high school counselor.  A job that I dearly love, and am so grateful to have.  It’s an issue that has not only cropped up frequently at my school, but is cropping up frequently around the country right now.  I don’t have all the answers on how to fix it, but it breaks my heart every time I hear about someone in this situation.  These students persevere, no matter what.  Strength in Spirit, I think, is what I would call that.  This song, however, isn’t so much about strength, but about the confusion and fear of the what’s next.  It’s called “The Unknown.”

I dedicate this post to Kelly Ash.  A songstress who has helped me find my own song, and who brings good wherever she goes.  Thank you.  I am so grateful.  🙂

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The Joy of Expression

A couple weeks ago, right before a culminating performance from a vocal workshop I’d been doing, I lost my voice.  The rehearsal just before the performance was shaky.  The performance, however, was just plain poor.  My voice just kept dropping as the evening went on, and I couldn’t hit all my notes.  I sounded like a boy in puberty!  Naturally, we had a big crowd which included a lot of people I didn’t know.  Thankfully, they were a forgiving crowd and I definitely informed them as to what was happening.  All that said, while things are better overall since that week, I still can’t sing.

It is very tempting to be distressed by this.  And believe me, I have definitely had my moments of “why?!”  “Why is this happening to ME?!”  Moments of self-pity, if you will.  But at the same time, it’s also been an opportunity to reflect.  To reflect on the meaning of song in my life.  Of singing.  Of performing.  Of music in general.  And also to reflect on the qualities that come with these that I feel I express.  Do these qualities have to be exclusive to singing, or creating songs?  Are there other ways that I can express these qualities?   If I could never sing again (which isn’t going to happen!), would I feel a deep sense of emptiness?

I think it’s important that we both acknowledge the amazing talents and qualities we’ve been blessed with, and also realize that if something were to change one or more of those talents or qualities, our lives would not be empty.  There are so many things that help define who we are, and the concrete “things” that are in our lives (be it a job, or a home, or a talent, or a person, or a car) do not create that definition in and of themselves.  So on that note, here is what I’ve learned over the past couple weeks…

My joy is determined not by what is in my life, but by where I choose to put importance, and how I choose to respond to any given situation.  It goes deeper than that, but that is one factor for me in learning to be joyous.  If I lose someTHING, or someONE, that I deem ultra-valuable to me, my response to this loss will go much farther in determining my happiness and joy than that loss actually would.  My qualities are bigger than the material expressions of them.  If I appear to lose my voice, that does not mean I’ve lost my ability to express.

These are ideas I’m working with as I heal.  Finding joy in the now and the many ways there are to express is my goal.  What’s yours?  🙂

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