A couple weeks ago, right before a culminating performance from a vocal workshop I’d been doing, I lost my voice. The rehearsal just before the performance was shaky. The performance, however, was just plain poor. My voice just kept dropping as the evening went on, and I couldn’t hit all my notes. I sounded like a boy in puberty! Naturally, we had a big crowd which included a lot of people I didn’t know. Thankfully, they were a forgiving crowd and I definitely informed them as to what was happening. All that said, while things are better overall since that week, I still can’t sing.
It is very tempting to be distressed by this. And believe me, I have definitely had my moments of “why?!” “Why is this happening to ME?!” Moments of self-pity, if you will. But at the same time, it’s also been an opportunity to reflect. To reflect on the meaning of song in my life. Of singing. Of performing. Of music in general. And also to reflect on the qualities that come with these that I feel I express. Do these qualities have to be exclusive to singing, or creating songs? Are there other ways that I can express these qualities? If I could never sing again (which isn’t going to happen!), would I feel a deep sense of emptiness?
I think it’s important that we both acknowledge the amazing talents and qualities we’ve been blessed with, and also realize that if something were to change one or more of those talents or qualities, our lives would not be empty. There are so many things that help define who we are, and the concrete “things” that are in our lives (be it a job, or a home, or a talent, or a person, or a car) do not create that definition in and of themselves. So on that note, here is what I’ve learned over the past couple weeks…
My joy is determined not by what is in my life, but by where I choose to put importance, and how I choose to respond to any given situation. It goes deeper than that, but that is one factor for me in learning to be joyous. If I lose someTHING, or someONE, that I deem ultra-valuable to me, my response to this loss will go much farther in determining my happiness and joy than that loss actually would. My qualities are bigger than the material expressions of them. If I appear to lose my voice, that does not mean I’ve lost my ability to express.
These are ideas I’m working with as I heal. Finding joy in the now and the many ways there are to express is my goal. What’s yours? 🙂
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